I'm Back

I haven't written on here in more than two years apparently. A lot has changed. Everything worked out for the best with my ex. "My ex"...ugh...I hate using that term. He's my best friend in the whole world, my confidante, my family. I will always love and support him. We remain as close as ever and are now even roommates and I love it. He's met an amazing guy who he's been with more than a year now and I'm so genuinely happy for him. I love them both. Me, on the other hand, still single. I was ok with that for a while. I didn't wanna let anyone else into my heart. Became more cynical and cautious. I was ok just making new friends and friends only!

But then HE came along. Someone I met on a social app of all places. Started chatting randomly early 2012. Didn't think much of it at first. Then in August/September of the same year we finally connected more through texts and Facebook and started chatting every day. Finally this year we started actually hanging out and I guess that's when it really started happening... I started to like this awesome guy. I mentioned it briefly a while back, but he just wanted to be friends. Still, the more I knew him the more I saw so much amazingness in him. I liked him a whole lot more. Not "in love" because I know the difference now. But I felt if given that chance I could probably get there. I longed to much to be able to hold him at night. I dreamt once that we kissed, only to wake up sad to realize it was only a dream. I wished for a chance at a date. To see if it could lead anywhere.

So this past week I finally spoke up. I poured my heart and soul out to him for real. Through a text message... yeah I know, kinda lame. But I express myself best in writing. Anyhow, as I kinda expected, he just wanted to be friends. :( Can't lie...it kinda broke my heart. I was crushed. I cried. I was sad. Just felt like that lonely confused kid I once was again. No matter how much I kinda already expected that answer it still hurt. Nothing against him though, he's an awesome guy and I know he still loves me a ton just as I do. He was only being honest which is all I ever asked for. Still, I couldn't help but still dream and hope, despite my sadness, that maybe some day down the road things will be different and we'll both be willing to try it out. I can't say what it would or wouldn't lead to, but I'm just so willing to try. He makes me feel so happy I just wanna see if there could be more. But if not, I'm still so happy to be his close friend. We're both these big silly dorks and have so much in common.

So we'll see what happens I guess. For now I had the whole weekend to go through my emotions. I cried what I needed to. I hope it's enough for now. I'm just blessed to have people in my life that mean the world to me. My family of course, but also my second family: my best friend, my 'lil bro' and now him, my dork close friend. I love them all so much. They are my strength and courage.

Bdays

Birthdays are that one day in each of our lives when all our friends and loved ones celebrate our day! I've never gone all out on my own birthdays much, but I like to always be there for my closest friends and family's birthdays. I wanna celebrate the day they arrive upon this earth and started their journey that one day would cross paths with my own.

To be told you can't be there though...for someone you care about on their bday...that hurts. :(

It Takes Time

I hate that every time I feel like writing on this blog lately, it's because I'm feeling down. Nobody wants to read a depressing blog. But oh well... here we go again.

This past week was pretty rough. I've been feeling down again. Been feeling lost...Hopeless. I hate it. It's like I'm just getting tired of trying to be strong. Trying to pretend that I don't feel sad and that all is "good" when asked "How're you?" I'm just tired. Truth is, I haven't really been happy in a while. I always walk around with this empty feeling. I feel heartbroken. The only times it'll go away is when I'm doing something, keeping my mind busy. But even then it's just temporary, once I'm back on my own it all comes back to me.

I don't even feel like talking much about it anymore. Haven't even been posting my FB updates. My friend's support and advice is welcomed, but at the moment it's not what I need. I already know this all takes time and things will get better and all that... But I'm just tired. Tired of feeling down. Tired of waiting. Just tired.

Plus I'm starting to feel like I seriously need to get outta my family's house. Not that they make me feel unwelcomed or anything. I just need my own space again. I learned to adapt but it's starting to bug me that I don't have my own space whenever I need some time to myself. So I end up having to go out for a drive or anywhere I can.

So I don't know. I just feel like a mess. But yeah yeah, I know...

I'll be ok. Give it time.

Any Other World

I've had this song on my mind today. "Any Other World" by Mika. I heard it earlier today while I had my iTunes on shuffle. I guess it struck a cord with my mood and it's been playing in my head all day. It's tough... having to say goodbye to a life you knew. :-/

In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defences

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in [x2]
Say goodbye

In any other world
You could tell the difference

Empath

I've been thinking of HEROES lately. Yes, the loved & hated TV show. Specifically, been thinking about Peter Petrelli. At his core, he was someone that truly cared about people. He always wanted to help others, even if he really didn't know him. And when he couldn't do anything, he'd feel helpless.

I guess that's how I've been feeling lately: helpless. Someone I care about deeply recently made a decision that I felt was the wrong one. No, it wasn't anything life threatning...but still, left me a bit sad. Knowing the person how I do, I felt it so much in me that it was a bad move. And I told them as much, too. But as another friend told me, sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes so they can learn from them.

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and they know what they are doing. But then why can't I shake this feeling in my gut? Why is it affecting me so much? Hell, I almost just hope I'm totally wrong so that they end up just being ok. But I don't know, something just tells me things aren't right there. And still, all I can do is take a step back and just be there for the person if they should need me.

It's tough. Genuinely worrying so much about someone. Being sad about my own feelings I've pretty much learned how to deal with over the years. But when it comes to people I know and care about, and not being able to do anything, it's frustrating. And I've noticed it changing me in some ways. It's been making me easily frustrated, angry and snapping at people. That's not me. Truth is, sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.

I pray and hope that they know what they are doing. That for once my instincts are way off. But I don't know...I usually have good judge of character and learn when to trust my instincts. Something just tells me it isn't right... :(

Happy?

Recently, a friend asked me, almost out of nowhere... "How old are you again?" Then after I told him, he asks, "Are you happy with your life?" That question kinda took me by surprise. So I thought about it. I don't know what my exact answer was, but I said something to the effect that yes, I was happy with my life.

But then it left me thinking about it. Am I truly happy? Some days I do feel kinda happy. I'm alive, healthy (for the most part lol), have a loving family and friends, and a relatively calm life. But then I start to think about other things. About a love lost, about a part of my life that meant so much to me and filled me with so much joy and now all seems like a distant memory, like a dream almost. Too good to be true. I'm in a state of limbo now. Trying to find my way back down and see where I land.

So truth is, I'm not really completely happy with my life. At times I just feel so lost and alone still. I know I'm NOT alone, but I just feel that way sometimes. Fortunately I do have more good days than bad now. I guess the worst of the worst feelings have passed. But it doesn't mean I don't still feel down at times. And those are the days when I just don't know how I feel about my life.

I was so happy once. And it wasn't even that long ago! Just a few months ago. I felt that things were finally coming into place. Life was somehow rewarding me for being so patient and a good person. I had a lovely home, was in love, my family's problems were finally being settled, my job was stable and keeping me busy...things were going pretty good. And then just like that, things changed...again.

All I ever wanted in life was to be happy. I don't chase after dreams of fame, fortune, luxuries, diamonds, etc. That all means nothing to me. I just want to be happy, so why does it feel like the hardest thing in the world?

Moments

There are some moments when I find myself missing him so much, it almost seems unbearable. I miss him every day, but for whatever reason (random picture, memory, song, etc.) certain moments trigger feelings and I end up missing him so much.

Right now... This is one of those moments. :(

The First Month After

Last time I slept in our apt, our room, and our bed was about a month ago. Thanksgiving night. A pretty sad Thanksgiving, at that. Now it's a month later and it's Christmas Day. But truth is, it feels just like any other day. And I kinda hate that! I've always loved the holidays, but this year that joy and spirit just isn't in me. I've been thinking back to when I was younger and how excited I'd feel for Christmas. So curious to see what was beneath that Xmas wrapping paper. As I grew up a little I got more into the spirit of giving and loved seeing my little sister's excitement as she opened up her gifts. Then, as an adult, I still enjoyed making Xmas cards, giving my family and loved one gifts and playing that Xmas music...but I also became more appreciative about knowing it was all about being with those you love.

So in a way, it's been nice that I've been here with family. I'm with people I love and don't have to be truly alone on Xmas. But still, someone special to me is missing here today. I'd always give him some of our family's tamales and we'd open our gifts together and just had a nice time. I remember a Christmas when both our families were out of town, but we still had a lovely time because we had each other. I baked us a delicious carrot cake and we went to a friend's house for dinner. Then there was the year we were up in Canada during the holidays and rang in the new year up there. It was a special way to spend the holidays in a winter wonderland. So whether away or at home, the last several years worth of the holiday season always were so extra special with someone I loved. Now I just feel lonely. I'd made some progress lately in trying to be strong, but didn't realize how the holidays were gonna get me down again. I just want it all to be over.

Despite my trying to get myself back to normal, trying to be myself again...I can't lie and pretend I dont still miss him. I do, I miss him a lot every day. I hate it so much that all this had to happen. I was so truly happy, and now...well, I don't know. I've been feeling like a different person lately. So careless, so cynical. That dreamer and hopeless romantic in me is fading at times. I'm trying not to lose that.

Can't even believe it's only been a month. Feels like way longer.

One *cough* Week

It's been one week as of today. One week since we moved from our apartment and each went our way. One week since i last saw him. One week since I last felt I still had a true 'home'.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my family and appreciate them letting me crash here. Plus, it has actually been nice spending time here. Has helped keep me distracted from things. Though truth be told, nothing can truly distract me completely from what I'm going through. It's always on my mind no matter what I do. But being surrounded by family and love helps heal the pain. Still, I'm trying to figure out what my next step is. Crashing on the couch and living out my stuff in boxes is fine for a while, but I can't keep this up for too long. Either I find a nice affordable place of my own, or a roomie. But still, it's tough. Everything is just hard emotionally on me right now. Fortunately I've managed to function ok for the most part, but I still have moments when I feel sad, lonely and miss so many things. Most of all, miss Him.

But at least for now, the first week is over. It was tough. Especially the one morning I was *this close* to having a crying breakdown at work. Fortunately, I kept it in. If I was gonna have a breakdown, I didn't want it to be at work. It's been a tough week overall...emotionally and physically. Work's been hectic and then there's the longer commute now that's been taking a toll on my car, wallet and sanity!

As if all this wasn't enough, now I'm sick too! :( Felt an itchy throat last night, then today been having a sore throat all day and now a runny nose and sneezing, too. It sucks! Just can't get a break this week, I guess.

I just keep hoping for better days ahead...

Saying Goodbye to Home

As I type I'm sitting on the floor of my apt. I guess technically it is still my apartment. It's empty and nobody has slept here for four nights now, but I still hold the keys. This is probably my last time here...ever. Thought I'd say goodbye the best way I know how, by writing.

I'm sitting on the exact spot Juan and I sat on this carpet just over a year ago, in October of 2009, as we waited for some furniture to be delivered. It's was only over a year ago but feels like a lifetime's worth of happy memories. I look around at these bare walls and floors and I still see and almost hear all those memories they'll forever hold, no matter who may come and go. We may not have owned this place, but our love, friendship and moments together here made it a home.

When I got here today and walked inside, I immediately felt a sense of joy. That same feeling I'd ALWAYS get when I arived home. Why? Because I always knew someone I loved so much was waiting for me. Usually I'd find him down our little hallway, sleeping or watching tv in our bedroom. Other times he'd have a surprise dinner waiting for us, or had started doing laundry. Then there were times he wasn't here yet and I'd just wait patiently for him. So when I came in today my heart suddenly jumped. It was reminded of that beautiful feeling of coming home to the one you love. But of course, there was nobody here today. Just me and the memories. :(

I saw a couple of my neighbors as I took out the trash for the last time. One of them, a French-African-American looking guy, probably in his thirties, lives in one of the units below us. He held the garage gate door open for me as I walked out. His wife, during the holidays last year, left us each a little tin bucket with holiday treats in it. I thought it was sweet. I still have that bucket to this day. Our neighbors were always such nice people. I kinda regret never really taking some initiative to get to know them more personally. But I do know they were always nice. I'm going to miss them. Linda and her two pugs always going out for walks. The smell of the rocker-looking guy's cigars that would sometimes linger in the air outside. The kids from a couple of the apartments playing together down in the garage. I'm gonna miss every one of them. Whether we truly knew each other or not, we were still neighbors.

As I sit here, it's a bit eerie. The only sound I hear is the clicking of the fake keyboard keys on my cell, as they echo in my now empty living room. I almost felt like letting myself cry here. I felt like crying this morning for some reason. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I haven't had anywhere I could be alone lately. Nowhere I could lay down and have a good cry. Sitting on this carpet, in this now cold and quiet apt, is my first time I get to be alone. But of course, now I can't cry! Maybe it's because this place still feels like my true home to some extent. A place of safety and love. My sanctuary. But sad reality is that this is my last time here. I'm taking my keys off my keyring and leaving them locked inside.

This is my goodbye. To probably the most beautiful year of my life thus far. A year I got to share with someone I love. I will look back at this apt with so much happiness in my heart. My memories of it will never fade.

Goodbye, home, sweet home. I'm going to miss you so damn much.

Holding Back

The past few days have probably been the hardest and saddest days I've ever gone through this far in my 31 years of life. But still, I haven't shed a tear since leaving the apt. Not because I didn't feel it, but simply because I have nowhere to cry in peace. No room at home, not even privacy in my car since I give sister a ride now. So I've had to hold it in for days and it's tearing at me. The tears are swelling within me and I feel like they might burst at the worst time. I'm at work and my eyes are watery. I want to cry but I don't know where...how... :(

Sick :(

I've been trying my best to figure out how to keep busy so I won't have too much time to think and be sad. I think that's why the night hours are the toughest. That's when it all gets quiet and I have time to think. I think about him. And I miss him... a lot. But then today I wake up with a stomach ache and sore body (from the couch-sleeping). Been feeling it all day. Have only eaten a light sandwich and some gatorade. Now I kind feel warm/feverish. Doesn't make it better that it's freakin' cold tonight! So the only time I left the house today was for a brief Target run. Needed to get a few things for the week. But even then it felt weird. I missed him being there with me as we shopped. Even before we lived together we'd often meet up just to do our weekly shopping errands together. I was thinking of hitting the gym too, at least to distract myself, but my body was just so weak. :(



Tomorrow I return to work after being away for six days to deal with the move. I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect. Even the work day routine will be different now. I won't get to have my morning cereal with him as we go to work. I won't get to go to the apt and have dinner and talk about our days. And even just being at work is gonna be tough. Hopefully people just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with them too much. Makes me grumpy and bitter and not who I want to be when I'm in a down mood and want to be left alone.

I realize I sound like a broken record, but I miss my best friend. I really do, so much. :( Despite having lost a relationship I cherised, we still had a bond of best friends...of family. We've been through so much together. We grew from college students to mature adults. I need him in my life still. I know in my mind it's only temporary...this short time apart....but it's so tough. I think about him/us in almost anything I see/do! Today, as I drove to the Target, I noticed a Denny's across the street from it. It was where we had a late night bite to eat on the very first time we met. I could still remember it clearly. I find myself missing more and more the part of him that was...IS...my best friend. I haven't seen him since Friday morning. Haven't heard his voice. Haven't laughed in response to his own laughter. Just talked a bit via text but even that's not the same.

I love and appreciate all the love and support I've received from all my friends. It's meant a lot to me. But it's tough knowing that my best friend is the one I can't reach out to for now. :(