Moments

There are some moments when I find myself missing him so much, it almost seems unbearable. I miss him every day, but for whatever reason (random picture, memory, song, etc.) certain moments trigger feelings and I end up missing him so much.

Right now... This is one of those moments. :(

The First Month After

Last time I slept in our apt, our room, and our bed was about a month ago. Thanksgiving night. A pretty sad Thanksgiving, at that. Now it's a month later and it's Christmas Day. But truth is, it feels just like any other day. And I kinda hate that! I've always loved the holidays, but this year that joy and spirit just isn't in me. I've been thinking back to when I was younger and how excited I'd feel for Christmas. So curious to see what was beneath that Xmas wrapping paper. As I grew up a little I got more into the spirit of giving and loved seeing my little sister's excitement as she opened up her gifts. Then, as an adult, I still enjoyed making Xmas cards, giving my family and loved one gifts and playing that Xmas music...but I also became more appreciative about knowing it was all about being with those you love.

So in a way, it's been nice that I've been here with family. I'm with people I love and don't have to be truly alone on Xmas. But still, someone special to me is missing here today. I'd always give him some of our family's tamales and we'd open our gifts together and just had a nice time. I remember a Christmas when both our families were out of town, but we still had a lovely time because we had each other. I baked us a delicious carrot cake and we went to a friend's house for dinner. Then there was the year we were up in Canada during the holidays and rang in the new year up there. It was a special way to spend the holidays in a winter wonderland. So whether away or at home, the last several years worth of the holiday season always were so extra special with someone I loved. Now I just feel lonely. I'd made some progress lately in trying to be strong, but didn't realize how the holidays were gonna get me down again. I just want it all to be over.

Despite my trying to get myself back to normal, trying to be myself again...I can't lie and pretend I dont still miss him. I do, I miss him a lot every day. I hate it so much that all this had to happen. I was so truly happy, and now...well, I don't know. I've been feeling like a different person lately. So careless, so cynical. That dreamer and hopeless romantic in me is fading at times. I'm trying not to lose that.

Can't even believe it's only been a month. Feels like way longer.

One *cough* Week

It's been one week as of today. One week since we moved from our apartment and each went our way. One week since i last saw him. One week since I last felt I still had a true 'home'.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my family and appreciate them letting me crash here. Plus, it has actually been nice spending time here. Has helped keep me distracted from things. Though truth be told, nothing can truly distract me completely from what I'm going through. It's always on my mind no matter what I do. But being surrounded by family and love helps heal the pain. Still, I'm trying to figure out what my next step is. Crashing on the couch and living out my stuff in boxes is fine for a while, but I can't keep this up for too long. Either I find a nice affordable place of my own, or a roomie. But still, it's tough. Everything is just hard emotionally on me right now. Fortunately I've managed to function ok for the most part, but I still have moments when I feel sad, lonely and miss so many things. Most of all, miss Him.

But at least for now, the first week is over. It was tough. Especially the one morning I was *this close* to having a crying breakdown at work. Fortunately, I kept it in. If I was gonna have a breakdown, I didn't want it to be at work. It's been a tough week overall...emotionally and physically. Work's been hectic and then there's the longer commute now that's been taking a toll on my car, wallet and sanity!

As if all this wasn't enough, now I'm sick too! :( Felt an itchy throat last night, then today been having a sore throat all day and now a runny nose and sneezing, too. It sucks! Just can't get a break this week, I guess.

I just keep hoping for better days ahead...