It Takes Time

I hate that every time I feel like writing on this blog lately, it's because I'm feeling down. Nobody wants to read a depressing blog. But oh well... here we go again.

This past week was pretty rough. I've been feeling down again. Been feeling lost...Hopeless. I hate it. It's like I'm just getting tired of trying to be strong. Trying to pretend that I don't feel sad and that all is "good" when asked "How're you?" I'm just tired. Truth is, I haven't really been happy in a while. I always walk around with this empty feeling. I feel heartbroken. The only times it'll go away is when I'm doing something, keeping my mind busy. But even then it's just temporary, once I'm back on my own it all comes back to me.

I don't even feel like talking much about it anymore. Haven't even been posting my FB updates. My friend's support and advice is welcomed, but at the moment it's not what I need. I already know this all takes time and things will get better and all that... But I'm just tired. Tired of feeling down. Tired of waiting. Just tired.

Plus I'm starting to feel like I seriously need to get outta my family's house. Not that they make me feel unwelcomed or anything. I just need my own space again. I learned to adapt but it's starting to bug me that I don't have my own space whenever I need some time to myself. So I end up having to go out for a drive or anywhere I can.

So I don't know. I just feel like a mess. But yeah yeah, I know...

I'll be ok. Give it time.

Any Other World

I've had this song on my mind today. "Any Other World" by Mika. I heard it earlier today while I had my iTunes on shuffle. I guess it struck a cord with my mood and it's been playing in my head all day. It's tough... having to say goodbye to a life you knew. :-/

In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defences

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in [x2]
Say goodbye

In any other world
You could tell the difference

Empath

I've been thinking of HEROES lately. Yes, the loved & hated TV show. Specifically, been thinking about Peter Petrelli. At his core, he was someone that truly cared about people. He always wanted to help others, even if he really didn't know him. And when he couldn't do anything, he'd feel helpless.

I guess that's how I've been feeling lately: helpless. Someone I care about deeply recently made a decision that I felt was the wrong one. No, it wasn't anything life threatning...but still, left me a bit sad. Knowing the person how I do, I felt it so much in me that it was a bad move. And I told them as much, too. But as another friend told me, sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes so they can learn from them.

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and they know what they are doing. But then why can't I shake this feeling in my gut? Why is it affecting me so much? Hell, I almost just hope I'm totally wrong so that they end up just being ok. But I don't know, something just tells me things aren't right there. And still, all I can do is take a step back and just be there for the person if they should need me.

It's tough. Genuinely worrying so much about someone. Being sad about my own feelings I've pretty much learned how to deal with over the years. But when it comes to people I know and care about, and not being able to do anything, it's frustrating. And I've noticed it changing me in some ways. It's been making me easily frustrated, angry and snapping at people. That's not me. Truth is, sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.

I pray and hope that they know what they are doing. That for once my instincts are way off. But I don't know...I usually have good judge of character and learn when to trust my instincts. Something just tells me it isn't right... :(

Happy?

Recently, a friend asked me, almost out of nowhere... "How old are you again?" Then after I told him, he asks, "Are you happy with your life?" That question kinda took me by surprise. So I thought about it. I don't know what my exact answer was, but I said something to the effect that yes, I was happy with my life.

But then it left me thinking about it. Am I truly happy? Some days I do feel kinda happy. I'm alive, healthy (for the most part lol), have a loving family and friends, and a relatively calm life. But then I start to think about other things. About a love lost, about a part of my life that meant so much to me and filled me with so much joy and now all seems like a distant memory, like a dream almost. Too good to be true. I'm in a state of limbo now. Trying to find my way back down and see where I land.

So truth is, I'm not really completely happy with my life. At times I just feel so lost and alone still. I know I'm NOT alone, but I just feel that way sometimes. Fortunately I do have more good days than bad now. I guess the worst of the worst feelings have passed. But it doesn't mean I don't still feel down at times. And those are the days when I just don't know how I feel about my life.

I was so happy once. And it wasn't even that long ago! Just a few months ago. I felt that things were finally coming into place. Life was somehow rewarding me for being so patient and a good person. I had a lovely home, was in love, my family's problems were finally being settled, my job was stable and keeping me busy...things were going pretty good. And then just like that, things changed...again.

All I ever wanted in life was to be happy. I don't chase after dreams of fame, fortune, luxuries, diamonds, etc. That all means nothing to me. I just want to be happy, so why does it feel like the hardest thing in the world?