Harder Than Expected

It's all become way to real now. It all hit me and left me feeling sad, vulnerable, confused, lost and not knowing where I truly belong. Last night I spent my first night, of what will probably be many for a while, sleeping on the couch in my family's living room. Today we picked up the last few bits of my stuff from the apartment. Most of it is now tucked away in their garage in several boxes. My "room" is now a corner of the living room. The few things I need access to often are in a couple small boxes in that corner. The clothes I wear most are in a little spare hallway closet. Anything else I need, I'll have to go dig through the boxes, hoping I'll remember where I've placed it.

I love my family. I've been so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving, caring and good-hearted family. My parents are two of the most strongest, motivated, loving and unselfish people I know! They raised me and my sisters to be good people. To simply say I love them is an understatement. I owe so much of who I am to them! So why do I feel strange being here? I guess it's because I'd finally learned what it meant to be my own person. Independent. Yes, I was living with someone I loved, but I was also pretty much running my own life. I had my bills, work, chores, errands, more bills, etc...all those "fun" grown-up things. It got tough at times, financially, but it taught me so much about being a responsible adult. I also took so much pride in taking care of our apt. Sure, it may have been 'leased' and never truly belonged to us, but as long as we lived there, it was home. Our home. So I can't help but miss it so much.

It was a home with many nice memories. Funny thing is, when I think of my favorite ones I don't think of the times we had parties or anything like that. I think back to the simpler moments....

...laying down in our bedroom, reading a magazine, while he played music at the computer and browsed the net.
...cooking a chicken dinner, our favorites.
...playing Wii Sports Resort on the Wii until we got tired.
...watching episodes of our favorite shows together and sharing a good laugh.
...starting our work day together with our morning cereal.
...putting away the groceries from the market.

...these and many more moments like them are the ones I find myself thinking back to now. I don't have any regrets, because I don't feel "I wish I had appreciated them more and not taken them for granted". Truth is, I ALWAYS appreciated them. They always meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why when he was home I never really felt like leaving. I never took those moments for granted.

So it's no wonder I find myself now missing them so much. I think I miss his laughter the most right now. The way he would always manage to make me smile or even laugh a bit during some tough or sad times. He'd always know what to do or say. Sometimes just his laughter alone was enough to make me smile. I'd always tell him he had bad bedside manners, because he'd always crack jokes during moments they didn't seem appropriate. Yet I always knew why he did it. I knew that was his way of trying to help me feel better. So now that things are really tough, it's even tougher not being able to hear that laughter from this person that means so much to me. And he still does mean a lot to me.

I miss a lot of things, but in the end I think I miss my best friend the most. The one person who I could talk to about the most mundane details of my life, work, feelings, family, etc...and he'd always know exactly what I was talking about. Often, he'd even remember things I forgot even telling him. We did almost everything together, even things like car washes, markets, mall-walking, fast food runs and eye doctor appointments. Random moments of life made more fun and memorable by having someone to share them with.

I'd be lying if I said that I got over him completely. Even though I've had more time already to process that and have found some level of peace with it, it's a part of me that'll always be within. After loving someone for almost nine years, I can't just throw it out and pretend it meant nothing to me. But I also know I can't dwell on that. I can't let it make me sad, or else I'll never recover. If it was meant to be, and I truly love him, I had to let him go. If he ever comes back, then it proves we were truly meant to be. If not, then I know we'll still be friends. That friendship is something I still cherish. Without it, I'd truly feel like I lost almost everything.

I miss our friendship so much right now. I wish I could call him up now and we could just chat the night away, like we always used to before we lived together. I keep expecting him to call me up and ask if I wanna hang out. Go to a movie, the market, the mall or even just watch some DVDs at either of our houses. I keep wanting to call him and wish him a good night. Ugh it's so hard. I thought that because I had time to cope with the loss of the relationship, I'd be a lot stronger and able to deal with our just being best friends when we moved out. But it's way harder than I imagined.

I know we are still friends. Best friends. But I miss him at this moment. I just want to hear his laughter that always makes me feel better. Is that too much to ask? :-/

Final Days

The end is getting closer. Each day that passes now I get sad. This apt has been more than just walls and furniture...it's been a home. A place of so many happy memories over the past year. As the month goes by, our last month here, I get so caught up with many emotions.

I am absolutely scared, terrified, sad, nervous, worried, anxious and so much more on the inside. But on the surface I try to keep strong. I need to keep working. I need to keep making other random preparations (address change, packing, sell/keep stuff, etc). I can't fall apart. Not now. I have to keep going forward so I can find my next destination.

I need to know where I'm going! If only money weren't an option, I would stay just where I'm at. This is still a home to me, after all. Over the past couple months I've gone through so many emotions and feel I've come to a point where I've learned and mature enough to be strong. I let go of someone I love, not because I stopped loving, but because I knew it's what I had to do. Sometimes you just can't fight...you have to lay down your arms and hope that in the end, everything will work itself out just how it was meant to. The future is always unpredictable. You never know what'll happen. And so I let him go.

Things got a bit hectic a few moments along the way, but we worked through it and fortunately remain good friends. We still care about each other...best friends...family...bonds that go further beyond a relationship breakup.

I can't help but think about how we'd make good roommates. The past few weeks, after I got better emotionally, were actually nice again. Things were different of course, but having him as just the best friend was nice. I was ok with that. I didn't mind being home alone or not seeing him most of the weekends. I was finding myself again, but it was nice knowing my friend was still around. But unfortunately I know I have no choice. We can't continue as roommates. At least not in the present time. We'd both have to be on the same emotional level for it to work, but right now we're not. And it saddens me. I know we'd make great roommates, and perhaps in the future it can happen.

But soon everything will truly change. The memories will never fade, but our home we built together will be gone from our lives. I feel so scared, not knowing yet where I'm headed. I hate this feeling. I wish money wasn't an issue. I wish I could afford a nice beautiful apt on my own. I've been alone a lot lately and I know I can get used to being alone in an apt. Maybe get a cat or dog to keep me company. :) But for now, my budget is limited. And it frustrates me.

I saw a couple places this weekend, but they sucked. And I mean TRULY sucked. Looked so good on paper, but I should've known better. "Comfy", "Cozy", "Cute", "Charming"...all a bunch of "C" words used in ads to hide the truth. Cover ups! The places I saw were shit holes! Maybe I'm just not good at the apt hunt. He was always good at that. I was more the follow-through guy. He'd set things up, search and plan...and then I'd take over with the actions afterward. But now, going at this alone...it's tough.

I've felt like crying all afternoon. I haven't cried in a while now. But it's not over the breakup. As much as that still saddens me, I've had to learn to come to terms with that. But now, what makes me sad is that I'm just scared. I don't know if I'll find something I like in time. And what if I do find something, but I'm miserable there? I could always try going back home as a last resort, but there's hardly room for me there now. I don't feel ready to give up my privacy, independence and all that I've acquired and learned over the past year. I grew up, a lot! I became a true man. Independent, responsible...hell, I even cooked! Not a lot...but I still cooked! I want to keep all that.

All I want is my own nice, safe, warm place to call home for a while. Somewhere I can go to at the end of the day and feel safe, calm, relaxed and at peace. I want to find my OWN place, but it's hard with my current budget. I may have to share an apt. But then that brings up so many trust & comfort issues. I'm a very private person in my home life. Takes so much for me to feel comfortable around someone. It's not really even a shyness deal. I just rather be on my own that with strangers when it comes to where I live.

I hope things work out. I really do. All my life I've done nothing but try to be a good person. Tried to always respect everyone and protect those that mean a lot to me. I've always lead a life of love, honesty, loyalty and trust. It's gotta count for something, right? That kharma thing... I could use some of it back now. I need all the luck I can get.

Sorry for a depressing blog. Just had a tough day. I was excited thinking I'd found a great lead, only to be tremendously disappointed. Really left me in a depressive mood after. :(

Empty

I'm beginning to wonder what feels worse... being in a state of absoulute sadness or feeling empty inside? Sadness brings with it lots of hurt, pain and endless tears. The empty feeling, on the other hand, doesn't bring much. You end up looking almost normal on the surface, but within you feel so empty. It's like you're just sleepwalking through life.

I'm still a mix of both. At times I still feel pretty down and sad, but other times I end up just feeling so empty. I don't like either. I wish I could get past all this and just be happy again. Even if I'm meant to be alone, unloved... I just wanna feel happy. :-/

Silence

I never really noticed how there are so many sounds all around here at home, even when I'm alone in complete silence. The electrical buzzing of the DVR turning on to record, the cars passing by in the nearby freeway, the fridge's random whirring sounds, footsteps from the neighbors, wind through the window swaying the vertical blinds... so many sounds that I never paid much attention to. But now, as I often find myself alone...those little sounds have become almost overwhelming. It's an eerie feeling that I just can't get used to. Years ago, I was always pretty much a loner. I'd go to school, do what I needed to do, get home and do my homework, chit chat with family and whatnot...then just spend time alone, watching TV, playing music, being on the computer, etc. I'd go out now and then with friends or family. But those moments when it was just me, alone, didn't bother me. So why's it so different now? :(

It's tough being able to go back to being alone some days/nights. I don't mean emotionally alone...I know I still have family and friends that care about me. I mean physically alone. For several years I found so much comfort, love and happiness in the company of someone. So now, when I'm by myself I feel so lost. Especially since these moments alone are usually when I start to think about so many things. Things I miss. Things that were. Things that could be. I hate this feeling. I don't like the silence. I don't enjoy being alone. But the sad truth is...I still can't get myself out there. It's a strange feeling knowing that the world moves on, people all around you keep on living their lives...even though I may feel that mine is at a standstill. I almost wish I could just pause the whole world, until I finally felt better, just so that I wouldn't miss a single moment of life.

I know I'll be OK. At some point, I have to be. I'm patient...but even my patience has it's limit.

Maybe I need a dog!? Then again, I can barely afford to feed myself lately. :(

The Next Volume

Growing up. Those are definitely two words that carry so much with them. There's so much change, whether good or...undesired, that comes along with it. We all desire the good that comes with growing up, but it's the tougher times and choices that we often fear. I've grown so much over the past few years, as I'm sure most of you also have. I've had the pleasure of seeing some of you grow over the years, through the good times and the bad, in the end we learn from them all.

I've reached another one of those "growing up" moments recently. Been keeping most of it to myself, trying to process it all, to understand the complexities, feelings and fears that come along with it. Surprisingly, I've been stronger than I ever thought possible. I guess I've grown up more than I even knew. But as much as one's mind can understand something, it's often the heart that has a tougher time keeping up.

Almost nine years ago, December 1st, 2001 to be exact, my life changed. It's a story I'm sure many of you have heard before...the day I met Him. The day that so much would change. Two young college students meet for the first time and start out on their journey together. We've shared so many beautiful moments together, literally traveled (parts of) the world, met so many great people and new friends along the way...and just learned so much from each other. He taught me how to be a more confident person, a stronger person, and to never think any less than the best of myself.

Even when things were toughest, he's been there for me, as I have for him. Beyond a boyfriend...he's been a true love...he's been the best friend I could ever ask for. I loved, love now and always will love him. Perhaps that's a major reason I've been stronger than I thought I'd be. That strong bond that we always shared and still do, and I know nothing can ever break, has helped me cope with this new stage in our lives.

Oh yeah and if you hadn't caught on by now... yes, we're breaking up. :( Uggh..."breaking up." Such an ugly phrase. Why don't we just say...hmmm....we've "reached the end of this volume." Yeah, I like that better. There are many more "JuaNel" volumes to come, but for now, this one's come to a close. What's next? Neither of us truly knows, turns out these volumes aren't written in advance. They just kinda happen and anything is possible. All I can hope for is that this story is always as happy as it can be. Whether in the ultimate scheme of things we are meant to truly be together, as a couple, that's something that only time will tell. I never close off my heart to any possibility. But for now, we still have that strong friendship love that's been there from the start. The things we put up from one another...trust me nobody else could deal with. lol

Oh and before the tabloids start spreading rumors... there's no drama, we didn't have a big fight, there's no anger or hatred. It's not that kind of breakup. I won't be releasing his drunken angry voicemails and he won't let that video tape of me see the light of day. hehe (A little humor to lighten the mood.)

At the moment I'd prefer to leave it at that. I don't feel the need to say more for now. We still have nothing but love and respect for each other. But I guess it had to come to this. I wish it didn't have to be this way...I've shed my tears and probably more to come...it's hard adjusting to new things, but I guess that's just life for ya. Always has a trick or two up its sleeve.

The Last 5 Months, Give or Take

Where do I begin? :)

A lot has changed lately and I wanted to write down some random thoughts, reflections & feelings along the way, but turns out there were many things to do and not always enough time to do them. So instead, I'll just do an all-in-one blog post going back to the last few months. hehe

I guess the big changes all started back in June, last year...June of 2009. I was driving to the gym and received a text, saying something like "...I'm ready to move in together." It was a surprise, to say the least! I'd known for a long while that I could see myself living with Juan, especially since at the time I was already visiting him at least twice during the workweek (and sleeping over) and then most of the weekends. So much to the point that my mom would jokingly call me "the visitor" whenever I'd come back home. lol So that night we talked about it all and more in the coming days. I was a bit nervous, not about the actual move, since I did feel ready for that. I was ready to start a new phase of my life with someone I love and to start learning more responsibility and how to manage things out on my own. I loved living at home, had a wonderful relationship with my family and there was never any drama. I didn't feel like I had to leave because I was intruding...it was more just me feeling ready to start this new stage. The hardest part for me was telling my family, especially my mom. I knew it was gonna be toughest on her. It usually is, right? Especially since I'm her first born and only son. Back when I first came out to her, she said "You'll always have a home here." And I always felt that love.

After our first initial moving in together talks, we kinda got a bit sidetracked in the summer and didn't look into apartments as much. Mostly because Juan was on summer break and didn't want to spend it all alone in the new apartment. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of also sidetracking my conversation about moving ou with my family. Flash forward a few months later, October. We started getting more serious again about looking for apartments. So then I finally had the talk with my family. It was tough telling my mom. I didn't know when/where was the right time. So I just kinda brought it up one night as she was washing dishes. I could tell she was a bit sad right after hearing it. It broke my heart, but I knew I had to do it, and I knew even then that it was just gonna take time and eventually (like right now, in the present) things would feel better. That same night when my dad got home (he was out on some errand) I told him about it too. He took it better (at least it seemed) and said that he understood, that there always comes a point where we all have to go out on our own. He had to do it and so did my mom, both at even younger ages and off to a whole new country, too! Me, I was just moving a 10 min good-traffic drive across the city. I had it easy. hehe

So in the coming weeks we looked through several ads and postings and hit up a few open houses. We agreed on the Culver City general areas, since it was a convenient/nice area that was between both our jobs. Having never lived in an apartment or done apartment hunting, I didn't know exactly what to look for. One of the very first apartments we looked at really struck us. It was a nice building, small & quiet, didn't have that hotel feel to it, and the apartment itself looked roomy, clean and full of closets & storage. But like any smart purchase, you should never just go with the first thing you like. We looked around at some more apartments. Some were ok but just something about them didn't strike us. Others were just kinda crappy! Our main concern was to just have a nice, clean apartment that wasn't completely falling apart. I know that you'll never really have the PERFECT apartment. There's gonna be a crack here, a missing piece there, etc. But we wanted something nice, and after seeing several choices that one apartment we saw at the beginning was still standing out among the picks. So we went back for a second look. There were actually two apartments vacant, the one we saw was downstairs so we checked out the upstairs one this time. We loved that one even more! In the end, that's the one we got! :)

It was the Monday after the AIDS Walk that we made it official. I took the day off from work so I could take care of business. We went to the apartment's management offices in Santa Monica to speak to the man who we had sent in the initial application to. I think we caught him at a bad time because he seemed to have some kind of attitude. He told us if we wanted it at the current price we'd have to bring him the money (cashier's check) that same day. As we left briefly to the bank, we were left with a bad vibe from that man. But I told Juan, "Don't let his attitude affect our decision, after today we probably don't even have to see him anymore." So we brushed his attitude aside, got our check, went back and turned it in. Signed the dotted lines, got the keys and voila! We were now officially the apartment's new tenants! And yes, that man had a better attitude then. hehe

A day or two later I picked up the new set of keys from our apartment and I started to move some of my stuff in little by little, as much as I could fit in my car trunk. I'd keep it in my parking garage at work and then drive it to the apartment during lunch (it's just a 15 mins or so drive). I did that most of that week during the day, and then at night we'd go look at furniture stores together. We needed to get some of the basic furnishings (bed, dressers, table, chairs, sofas, tv stand, etc). We were starting from scratch. We needed a fridge too, so I went to buy one while Juan went to pick out the sofas. Teamwork!

That next weekend we came into the apartment early on Saturday, October 24th, to wait for some of the furniture to be delivered. We ended up spending our first night in our new apartment that day, since we had a bed now. The next few weeks was spent doing a lot of random shopping sprees at the markets, Targets and other stores, buying anything we needed, from laundry baskets to trash cans to cooking utensils to cleaning supplies to....well, you get the idea. Fortunately we both had some savings to use, too. It seemed like a lot of spending but I knew it was only a one-time-period kind of deal. It's not like we could take all that stuff away from our family's homes. lol So we had to get a lot of things from the start. But once we had them, down the road the spending would be cut down to just the weekly necessities (food, restocking, etc.).

It took a couple months but eventually we reached a point where it felt like things were finally settled in. It felt like the moving process was finally done! Even now though, I know we still have lots of empty walls and a few empty corners that we can put stuff, but we have the main stuff we needed. We'll get more things along the way as time & money permit. We both have ideas of what we wanna do, but I guess we've been enjoying actually LIVING in our apartment now that we keep forgetting to work on more of the decorating. hehe Anyone know an interior decorator that will work for cheap? I'll feed him/her. hehe

Oh and speaking of feeding....there's the whole new world of cooking that I've been exploring! lol I don't particularly enjoy cooking...it's just another chore to me! But the end result is fun. Knowing that something I made is going into my man's tummy and making him happy is worth it! hehe I'm not good at making creative dishes with all kinds of spices and exotic tastes. My meals tend to be more basic. A couple of ingredients here and there thrown together. hehe But oh well, as long as we don't just have to eat sandwiches and frozen meals. :) Just this past week I made some spaghetti and fettucini alfredo, and some burgers and bbq chicken in the past weeks too. All pretty basic stuff, but we both love them. I need my own little Remy the rat to help me out!

So overall it's been a wonderful experience living together. Like any other couple we both have our grumpy moments. But we just take our time-outs and one goes to the bedroom while the other goes to the living room, and with time we miss each other and it's all forgiven. hehe But we've never been the couple to have huge serious fights, just random little silly arguments that are just as quickly forgotten. :) Along with the new apartment came new responsibilities: bills, laundry, ironing, cleaning, groceries, etc. More chores and work than before, but bring it on I say! So far we've managed to keep up with bills, not ruin any laundry, not burn my clothes and I've kept the house clean. So far, so good! We haven't met all our neighbors just yet, but the ones we did so far have been nice & friendly. It took some getting used to the new area too. Parking anywhere you go around here can be a challenge, but we find ways around it. I do like how there's more variety of people around here. Nothing against my East LA people, but it's nice running into people from all over around here. Whenever we go to the stores and markets I always hear random accents. Plus, lots of handsome guys too. hehe

The fact that I can sit down and write this blog means that things are more settled now. The whole hectic period of moving in and setting up finally passed and we can relax and enjoy our time now. We've had a few people over already and I still want to have more friends come by. I can't wait! But being the clean freak that I am, don't be surprised if you see me with a little dust pan walking behind you. LOL j/k

So I'm happy. I love our apartment, love the area and am as excited as ever for this new stage. I hope that the coming months & years are as good as ever, not just for us, but for our families and all our friends.

I think I hear the all too familiar sound of the Wii being turned on in the living room now! Time to log off and head on out there! :)

I Miss Blogging

It's been a good two months since I last posted anything here. Truth is, I've been pretty busy. Work's going well, each day keeps me busy from clock-in to clock-out. Apartment life with Juan is going great, it's been an exciting new experience and I'm loving it! Family is doing good, and though I do miss seeing them daily like I used to, I know it was time to move out on my own and explore life. Over the past year there've been several changes and in the end they were for the best. It was at this time last year when I found out I was being laid off soon. It was a scary time, and I couldn't have known how things were going to work out. Fortunately, they worked out nicely thus far and I hope they continue to do so.

There's so much I'd love to write about. I'll hopefully make more time for it now and then. Even if nobody reads this anymore....just for myself. :)

Where Do We Go From Here?

Last Saturday night we had some nice, fun plans. Go out for a couple of drinks and just enjoy the night at some of the local bars in West Hollywood. Living closer to the area, it's just a short drive on the streets. So we got ready and head on out. We arrived to the area and park in our usual valet parking lot. "We close at 2:30," the guy tells us. Ok, fine with us. They kick us out of the bars before 2 anyway. So we had a couple margaritas at Fiesta Cantina, ran into our friend Carlos celebrating his birthday and made a couple of random new friends along the way. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours and before we knew it...closing time. We didn't have to go home but we can't stay there (at the bar) as the song would say. hehe

It was 2:00 already, as I kept looking at the time on my cell, keeping track of how soon we had to head back to the car. While walking along the sidewalk we started talking to some random people, accompanied them to a pizza place, talked about travels and whatnot...and before I knew it, I looked at the time. 2:40 am! Dammit! "We gotta go get the car, think they'll still be there?" Turns out...they weren't kidding with the original "we close at 2:30" warning!

We got back to the parking lot and my car was just one of a few left! The little valet parking kiosk was all locked up now, nobody in sight. :( Hopeful, I went and tried to open the doors to my car. Maybe they left my keys in there? lol Part of me wanted it to be so, but part of me would've also thought it was irresponsible of them. There was only enough irresponsibility that night on our part! lol



We were pretty much stuck. Juan had left his keys at home. My house keys were with the car keys. We didn't go out with others that night and even if we did get a ride home we couldn't go inside! Juan called the number on the valet's sign, and they said we'd have to come back the next day...at 2pm! So we had no choice...we went to a hotel a few blocks down, the Ramada, and spent the night. It was actually nice and comfy! Not the cheapest, but hey, we couldn't be too picky. Though walking in there did feel a bit awkward. Two guys, no luggage, no car, walking into a hotel at 3am in a mostly gay area. Hmmm....what could the front desk have thought? lol

As night-out-drinking stories go, this one is way too tame when compared to others I've heard about. lol We didn't have to sleep in the park or anything. Phew! We ended up leaving the hotel at around almost 1 pm the next day, after having had a good night's rest. It did suck we didn't have any toothpaste or contact solution, etc. At least we were able to shower! We then had a nice filling breakfast at the IHOP nearby and finally picked up our car keys...12 hours after the bars closed the night before, and an extra $15 day fee later!

Good times. :)

AIDS WALK L.A. - One Year Later

First off, before anything else, I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone that supported me and our team during and leading up to the AIDS WALK L.A.

To the following, thank you so much for sponsoring me this year... Peter, Reyna & Family, Hypnos Reveur, Christian, Francisco, Juan, Kevin & Marcial. I appreciate your support (and your dinero!), as do those that it goes toward helping. And to Gabe, thanks for the team donation. And everybody else that donated to any other member of our team, you all rock!
And to our team this year, Friends 4 Benefits (aka Friends With Benefits), thank you all for making this, our fourth year, another successful one! I had set a team goal of $4,000 this year, and we got pretty close. As of the last numbers given to me, we raised $3,295 with a team of 28. Though some of you didn't or couldn't make the walk. Tsk tsk! lol Next year, then!

Special kudos to those that made it this year for the 6 mile walk! Anthony A., Ramiro C., Xavier E., Andy G., Oscar G., Juan G., William H., Juan L., Xavier M., Craig M., Richard R., Connie R., Adolfo R., Miguel T. Thank you all for walking this year! I expect each of you back, plus many more, for year 5! FRIENDS WITH BENEFIT5! ;)

I wasn't able to dedicate as much time this year as I would've wanted putting the team together, but I did my best. Whenever I had time, I tried to promote it, spread the word, recruit, encourage and at the same time still try to get some donors for myself. hehe It was all worth it though, and I'll do it again! All the support and positive energy from everybody is what makes it all worth it for a great cause. Just being there, surrounded by thousands upon thousands of fellow walkers on that one morning...and knowing we are all there for a united cause...that alone, is totally worth it.

Thanks again everyone!
-Nel

Slow Down!

As I pulled into my usual underground parking spot at work, deep down in the lowest of the lower levels, I saw a guy drive past me in his car heading to wherever his parking spot is. Wait...scratch that...he didn't drive by me...he SPED by me! Our parking lot has a bunch of tight turns and blind spots where it'd be easy to get into an accident. So I try my best to always watch out for cars and drive slow. The speed limit says 5 MPH...but seriously, I doubt anyone really drives THAT slow. I just drive within a reasonable safe speed.

Anyway...back to this man. When I saw him speeding down the small little lane in the parking structure, it just shocked me (and probably annoyed me a bit too). A few minutes later I walk into the elevator to take me upstairs and that same man walks in right behind me. As I looked at him, I couldn't help but laugh a bit on the inside. Why? Because in his hand, all bunched up and held tightly, he had a small Red Bull shot bottle, a "Five Hour Energy" bottle, and three energy bars! Seriously! Just seeing him drive, I figured this guy definitely shouldn't have more energy! :)

Quarantined Weekend

Last Friday I woke up at Juan's and he tells me, "You feel really warm this morning." But I actually felt normal, so I dismissed it as nothing more than my body temperature feeling warm because I had just woken up.

The day at work went by without a hitch. Though I did notice I started to feel a bit less energized as the day grew on. I didn't think much of it, just thought it was my body getting lazy because it knew the weekend was coming. hehe But then when I got into my car to drive home, I really started to feel it. I felt tired, my body was heating up and I felt small headache-like symptoms. Soon as I got home, I was a goner. I had no energy, I just crashed into my bed and wanted to relax. The worse part...I had to cancel plans with Juan to go out and hang with friends that night. I was the one that invited him out and so I felt bad having to cancel, but I was in no condition to be out. :(

I spent that night just resting, and Juan actually ended up coming over later that night after his attempt to go out on his own kinda went downhill too. The next morning, Saturday, I still felt a bit weak but slowly getting better. We just hung out and relaxed in my room, at one point making a quick trip to the mall. While at the mall I started to feel some chills again, so I knew I'd have to just take it easy the rest of the night. Again, couldn't go out. :( So Juan went back to his place and I just stayed in bed to try and get better. That was the whole deal on Sunday as well, I literally spent the whole damn day in bed. Didn't even shower! For me to spend the whole day in bed and not shower....that's really saying something! I don't like wasting my weekends just in bed. And I can never start my days without a good shower. hehe

This morning I woke up feeling mostly better. Just have a lingering cough still, but hopefully that's the last of it and I'll be back to normal soon. Though I'm glad I seem to be getting better, I do hate that my weekend was pretty much ruined by all this. I work through each week looking foward to the weekends, my time to really relax, enjoy my free time, live my life the way I want with my loved ones...and I was stuck in bed. Under quarantine, as Juan jokinly put it. hehe What sucks too is that I knew Juan wanted to go out that weekend, having gone through his first week of Summer break without doing much, so he was looking forward to spending time with me on the weekend. But I was pretty much useless this time around as a source of fun times. :(

So let's all send me some good get-well vibes so I can get back to 100% for this upcoming holiday weekend!

Love You!

A few weeks back, when I was looking for a new job, I received a call from this one place that I had applied for (not the one I ended up working at now, btw). I wasn't able to pick up, so they left a message. When I was able to call them back, they didn't answer, and so I left a message for them this time. "...I'm returning your call...blah blah blah...interested in the job...blah blah blah..." And as a closer, I was just about to say "Love you!", but fortunately I caught it right in the nick of time and stopped myself from saying it.

Why would I say that!? Well, I'm not really a huge phone guy. Don't really like to talk on the phone much, I'd rather just meet up with people when given the chance. But the person I do talk to daily is my bf. And I usually end my calls or voicemails to him with a heartfelt "Love you!" I guess I was used to ending voicemails to him this way that it almost slipped out when I was leaving the voicemail for that job recruiter. Imagine if I hadn't caught myself in time and DID end up saying that in the voicemail!? I don't know what I would've done if I couldn't erase it. I think I'd be too embarrassed to have called them back. lol What would you have done? :)

Busy Bee

Oh, hello there blog. Miss me lately? :)

Been busy at work actually WORKING. Who knew that some jobs really do require you to work all day and not be online? I never would've guessed! LOL But I think I've fallen into place already and gotten used to my new work routines. One good thing about being busy all the time is my work day goes by quickly for the most part. But since I can't be online much I don't get to do my daily social online updates like I used to. Awwww....I know you all miss it. Right?!?!?! :)

But I'll pop in here and there, on the blog and other sites, whenever I can. This weekend is the Memorial Day weekend so it's a 3 day weekend. Woohoo! Been enjoying it by relaxing. We went out Friday to our usual, Circus, and after that just been chilling at my house. We watched two DVDs Juan picked yesterday (Notorious and Bride Wars), hit the gym and also had a nice dinner at our favorite Farmer Boys. Today we've just been relaxing, might head to the movies later (Terminator Salvation, perhaps). So I've definitely been enjoying the kickback weekend.

I'm finally at a nice, peaceful point again. Work is going well, three weeks into it. I've gotten the hang of most things now while still learning a few stuff along the way. The slightly longer commute on the drive home kinda sucks at times, but oh well. I'm just so grateful I was able to find a good job so quickly in these tough times. Maybe I'll allow myself to splurge just a little soon. I have been thinking about getting a TiVo. :) We'll see.

Saturday Quickie

It's three o'clock on this Saturday. I'm sitting here waiting as Juan gets his haircut and then we're going to the gym and a friend's birthday night later on. As of this past Thursday I've technically been between jobs...my last day at my now 'old' job has come and gone and now I start at a new place on Monday morning. Must admit I'm definitely nervous...not that I think I will do bad or anything, just the whole new job, new responsibilities to learn and new people to meet can make me somewhat anxious and nervous. Soon enough I know I'll settle in and get used to the new work routine. It all just takes time. For now just relaxing and enjoying my weekend. We went to see the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie last night and I really enjoyed it...so go check it out!

Ok enough blogging for now...takes so long doing this from the mobile browser. lol

Last (full) Day At Work

It's finally arrived. My final full day working here. I can't believe it's been almost six years since I started here! Seems like so much has happened since then. Many people have come and gone from this company. We started out doing great, even opening a brand new store, things looked good. But you can never be too sure about the future of things, especially when it comes to businesses. Overall, it's been a nice run for me here. Might not have been the most glamorous job, but I made the best of it. I did my best and met/exceeded expectations on the job. I was able to learn about new music and movies that I might not have discovered otherwise. I was able to work with some cool people (despite my often keeping more to myself lol). And of course, can't forget the free lunches and musical guests we'd often have here in the office! How many companies will give you that! I was so fortunate to have been able to see many artists perform for us, up close and personal, in such a small intimate setting.

So yeah, I'll miss this place. And not just me, but many of the people that loved shopping at our stores, or even just browsing around and hanging out, which in itself could be fun. The future of the brick and mortar music store is uncertain. I hope that down the road it still remains, in one way or another, because there's just something about going to a store on a new release day and seeing what's out that can't be replaced by some clicks and scrolls on a web site.

Tomorrow is my official last day. I'm guessing I probably just come in for part of the day until I get my official paperwork, then I should be free to go. I don't deal with goodbyes so well. Always feels really awkward to me for some reason. I never know what to say. But at least I won't be the only one leaving tomorrow, so it's not like I'll stand out too much.

We have a little pizza lunch gathering today in one of the rooms here, I believe just for our dept, about a dozen or so people. Should be nice. A little awkward maybe since it's a celebration on the last full day for some of us. So it's a nice sentiment, but I just never really know what to say to people. Also, since I already have a job lined up, I feel a bit bad bringing it up to others that may not be so fortunate yet.

So we'll see how this day goes. Doing some small final cleaning up of my desk (and computer desktop), though I already did most of it little by little since I found out I had two months left back in February. There's really nothing much left for me to do, even in terms of actual work. It's all a matter of waiting now.

One door is closing while I head on to the next . . .

(Oh and about the image that accompanies this post...it's sort of an inside joke between Juan & I. hehe)

Two More Weeks

Where did this week go!? Despite having some slow days, the week overall seemed to go by fast. It's already Thursday afternoon...my "Friday" for this work week! I decided to use one final "personal day" off from work tomorrow. I don't have any solid plans set up yet, but I just really wanted to take a day. Plus, the workload has been pretty light lately, which is understandable considering our company is closing soon. Just two more weeks from today until my last day here! Scary! I've been able to relax a bit more lately now that I don't have to worry about the job hunting, which is good. But I know that as soon as that weekend comes, right before I start my new job, I'll probably be feeling a bit of stress. But it's the "good stress"! I'm the type of person that tends to overthink things, overplan and maybe worry a bit too much, especially if it's a significant change in my life like this new job! I get so used to my daily, weekly, monthly and yearly routines
...that whenever something new gets thrown into the mix, I need time to fully adjust. I'm sure that as long as I put my all into this new job, I should be fine. I know I'm a capable person, a quick learner and good problem solver. Those qualities weren't on my resumes just for filler, ya know! :)


I know that some of my coworkers still don't have a new job lined up, so I feel bad for them. I was having a tough time getting "noticed" by employers, too. Seems like now, more than ever, it really is about who you know...connections...when it comes to looking for a job. I just hope that eventually everyone is able to find something new. These are all good people. Eventhough I might not have always been the social type when it comes to work, I'll still miss seeing all these familiar friendly faces. Lately I find myself thinking back to the last almost six years I've been here. The people that have come and gone, the many fun in-office performances, the cool music I got to discover, the company picnics, the promo giveaways. Good times! It's been such a fun, casual work environment, and I loved that. I think I was spoiled in some ways, because chances are I probably will never find another workplace like this. :)

I'm glad my weekend is almost here. As I mentioned, I don't have any real plans yet, but I'm sure we'll figure something out. Last weekend was fun! It was Juan's 29th birthday weekend. So on Friday we went out to Circus and had a great time with some friends. The following afternoon we headed out to the Hollywood area, for a change. We rarely go out there. We hit the gym, visited the Walk of Fame area, had a nice dinner at CPK and then did some shopping at the Target. It was fun hanging out in that Walk of Fame area. We dressed up a bit more than we normally would and were taking pictures, just like the tourists. And just like the tourists, we even got harrassed by one of the "costumed people" there on the sidewalk. Some Charlie Chaplin guy pretty much threw himself into one of our photos and then took of his hat and asked for "a buck or two." Just to get rid of him, I threw in a buck. Then he looks at me with those beedy little eyes and holds up two fingers, to tell me he wants $2. Bastard! You said "a buck or two"...not "has to be two"! Ugggh. I just threw it in so he'd leave. lol So yeah...watch out for 'em. :)

That night, as we were paying at the Target store, I noticed two guys that were in a checkout line next to ours. They were holding a big bag of dog food and a big pack of toilet paper, among other things. As they got closer to us (one aisle beside us) I made brief eye contact with one of them. As soon as I saw those very distinguishable eyes and facial features, I knew I recognized him. Or rather, I knew he looked like someone. I took out my cell phone and typed into it, "kyle xy behind you", then showed it to Juan. Had I said it was Matt Dallas, he wouldn't know who I was talking about, that's why I went with his character's name instead. lol He turned around and then confirmed that it was him. At that moment I got excited. Up til then I just figured it looked like him but couldn't be him, because I never recognize people! A couple minutes later Juan overheard him say a few words and then gave me final confirmation that it really was him, because he recognized the voice from the TV show. I would've loved to be able to go up to him, say how much I liked his show (which I genuinely did, having watched it from day one til the final episode), and maybe even taken a picture. We'd left the brand new camera I'd picked out for Juan's birthday in the car, but even just a cell cam pic would've been nice. But Matt was paying for his stuff, doing his shopping, we thought it'd be too rude to bug him at that point. Had he just been walking down a aisle in the store and we bumped into each other...then maybe. It was fun seeing a celebrity I like though. I wonder what I'd do if I ever saw Sarah Michelle Gellar, my Buffy!

Oh and I finally got to see Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday. We watched it together in the morning, after having an early lunch, before hitting the gym. It really lived up to it's hype, such a good movie! And I loved the music. Might have to look into the soundtrack. :)

Employed (Again)

Heard the good news?! I got a new job! I finally feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders!

Ever since that day in January, the Friday when half of the offices department's were laid off, shortly after we returned from our fun Vancouver trip, I've been a bit stressed and worried about what would happen next. Eventually, toward the end of February it became official that our company was going to be closing. They gave me a 2 month notice, with my last day to be at the end of April. That gave me at least two months to look for a new job. So all of March I was feeling especially nervous and stressed. The job market is tough right now. Seems like for every job opening there are hundreds of people applying! When I went on a job interview a few days ago, they literally had several interviews all going on at the same time. The hiring lady would go from person to person, checking up on each of us as we were doing different parts of the initial testing/screening processes.

Not knowing what my job future held also forced me to go on a tight budget. All my "wants" would have to be put on hold and I only allowed myself to purchase any "needs". Do you know how tough it was for me to see a new release DVD I really wanted (for example, Wonder Woman) and have to just walk away from it. Now I know what an addiction feels like. "Just say NO to DVDs." lol I also had to limit my outings a bit due to the money thing, but also because I was often feeling a bit bummed about the job thing and not really in much of a party mood. The whole car incident with Juan allowed me to spend more time at his place, which was actually a nice thing for me. Being with him, I was more relaxed, comfortable, happy and just able to forget my worries for those moments. And all this also made me a bit more distant from people. Because I wasn't going online as much as I used to (so I could use that time to focus on job hunts) and I wasn't really going out as much.

But now that I have a new job lined up, I feel so much more relieved! It's like a huge dark nagging cloud over my head has been whisked away! Sure, I know I'll be nervous once I start my new job in May. I always get a bit nervous during these types of big changes in my life. But I also know that eventually I'll settle in, get the hang of it, and then do great at the new place! For now, I can breathe again. I can feel more relaxed. I can allow myself a few treats (but not TOO much...shouldn't count all my chickens before they fully hatched hehe). I can finally feel some sense of calmness and normalcy again. There are a few other things I need to get to in my life, personal matters, but my main worry has been cleared for now.

And major thanks to you, Juan, for helping me get through this. Your support and encouragement meant a lot to me! You helped keep me together so I wouldn't lose my focus, and I really appreciate it!

Ride Share Bonding

It's kind of funny how bad things can often work out better than you imagined. All it takes is a little positive thinking and looking at life through the bright side of it all. It's going on almost three weeks now since the weekend of our "(mini)series of unfortunate events." If you don't know what I'm talking about, in a nutshell: my car was broken into, some of our stuff was stolen, and Juan's car was crashed into (while parked) by a drunk driver the very next day. Since then we've replaced the things that were taken and his car has been in the shop, it will hopefully be ready at some point in the coming couple of weeks.

Not having a car, for someone who works full time and often has personal errands to run, can be quite a burden. But being the supportive couple that we are, we worked it out so that on the weekends we use my car to run our errands and during the week on certain days I'll give him a ride to/from work and on others he carpools with his sister. He's also borrowed my car one day, when he to drive during the work day, so I was dropped off and picked up from work...which was qutie nice! hehe In retun for my helping him out, he's been treating me to a few lunches when we go out or helping me out by preparing my lunches for work when I spend the night.

We've even been going to the gym together a few days after work during the week, which we normally wouldn't do since he'd usually go earlier in the evening and I would go later in the evening. The cool thing is that I've still managed to do the things I would normally do, without really having to drive any more than usual. I even still watch my TV shows. I just record them on his DVR and watch them the following morning as he's getting ready. But my favorite part is that I've gotten to spend a lot more time with him lately, and it's been so nice. :) Especially going through job hunts and interviews, it's nice to be able to meet with him on some days to help calm my nerves and talk about what's been going on in the "hunt."

So yeah, while it does suck about his car having to be in the shop for so long, we're just looking at the bright side of it all. Nobody was hurt and as a result we've been having fun spending more time together during the week. Once the dust settles and we're back to some sort of old routine again, I'm really going to miss those ridesharing mornings & evenings! :) And hey, I'm even going to miss the Oprah episodes I've joined him in watching at the end of the day! hehe

Quick Thoughts

I haven't blogged as much these past few days. Funny thing is, I've actually had a lot on my mind that I'd normally want to write down. But for now, I think it's best I just focus (or try my best to) on other more important things. Such as...you know...where I'll be working at in the near future! :-/

I was thinking back this morning to what I'd call "happier times." January of 2008, in particular, when we took a trip to Madrid. There really weren't many things to worry about at the time for both of us, if I remember correctly. So it was a good feeling. Peaceful. And a fun time going on a beautiful and forever memorable trip. These days, I can still have fun if I want, but I can never shake off that nagging reminder in the back of my mind that things are topsy turvy right now. And not just for me personally, but for many people out there, both here in the U.S. and abroad.

We all just keep on going, living life, taking those "can't help but smile" moments as we can get them. In the end, I think what matters most are the people you love. And those are truly the ones that'll always be around, no matter what the times may be like. A warm embrace, a gentle kiss, a hand to hold...things that'll never cost you a penny from the special people in your life.

I may take little breaks from this blog in the coming weeks. But hopefully soon I can get back to my random silliness. :)

Housewife

I was listening to my iPod at work, and Jay Brannan's song "Housewife" came on. As I listened to the lyrics...

"...I wanna be a housewife,
what's so wrong with that?
I wanna be a housewife, yeah,
and that's just where I'm at..."

...I couldn't help but wonder, seriously, would that be so bad? To be a housewife, that is. To stay home, take care of the house, do the laundry, run grocery errands and have a nice dinner waiting for my love to return from work? Honestly, I'm starting to think I'd quite like that.

*Sigh*