Final Days

The end is getting closer. Each day that passes now I get sad. This apt has been more than just walls and furniture...it's been a home. A place of so many happy memories over the past year. As the month goes by, our last month here, I get so caught up with many emotions.

I am absolutely scared, terrified, sad, nervous, worried, anxious and so much more on the inside. But on the surface I try to keep strong. I need to keep working. I need to keep making other random preparations (address change, packing, sell/keep stuff, etc). I can't fall apart. Not now. I have to keep going forward so I can find my next destination.

I need to know where I'm going! If only money weren't an option, I would stay just where I'm at. This is still a home to me, after all. Over the past couple months I've gone through so many emotions and feel I've come to a point where I've learned and mature enough to be strong. I let go of someone I love, not because I stopped loving, but because I knew it's what I had to do. Sometimes you just can't fight...you have to lay down your arms and hope that in the end, everything will work itself out just how it was meant to. The future is always unpredictable. You never know what'll happen. And so I let him go.

Things got a bit hectic a few moments along the way, but we worked through it and fortunately remain good friends. We still care about each other...best friends...family...bonds that go further beyond a relationship breakup.

I can't help but think about how we'd make good roommates. The past few weeks, after I got better emotionally, were actually nice again. Things were different of course, but having him as just the best friend was nice. I was ok with that. I didn't mind being home alone or not seeing him most of the weekends. I was finding myself again, but it was nice knowing my friend was still around. But unfortunately I know I have no choice. We can't continue as roommates. At least not in the present time. We'd both have to be on the same emotional level for it to work, but right now we're not. And it saddens me. I know we'd make great roommates, and perhaps in the future it can happen.

But soon everything will truly change. The memories will never fade, but our home we built together will be gone from our lives. I feel so scared, not knowing yet where I'm headed. I hate this feeling. I wish money wasn't an issue. I wish I could afford a nice beautiful apt on my own. I've been alone a lot lately and I know I can get used to being alone in an apt. Maybe get a cat or dog to keep me company. :) But for now, my budget is limited. And it frustrates me.

I saw a couple places this weekend, but they sucked. And I mean TRULY sucked. Looked so good on paper, but I should've known better. "Comfy", "Cozy", "Cute", "Charming"...all a bunch of "C" words used in ads to hide the truth. Cover ups! The places I saw were shit holes! Maybe I'm just not good at the apt hunt. He was always good at that. I was more the follow-through guy. He'd set things up, search and plan...and then I'd take over with the actions afterward. But now, going at this alone...it's tough.

I've felt like crying all afternoon. I haven't cried in a while now. But it's not over the breakup. As much as that still saddens me, I've had to learn to come to terms with that. But now, what makes me sad is that I'm just scared. I don't know if I'll find something I like in time. And what if I do find something, but I'm miserable there? I could always try going back home as a last resort, but there's hardly room for me there now. I don't feel ready to give up my privacy, independence and all that I've acquired and learned over the past year. I grew up, a lot! I became a true man. Independent, responsible...hell, I even cooked! Not a lot...but I still cooked! I want to keep all that.

All I want is my own nice, safe, warm place to call home for a while. Somewhere I can go to at the end of the day and feel safe, calm, relaxed and at peace. I want to find my OWN place, but it's hard with my current budget. I may have to share an apt. But then that brings up so many trust & comfort issues. I'm a very private person in my home life. Takes so much for me to feel comfortable around someone. It's not really even a shyness deal. I just rather be on my own that with strangers when it comes to where I live.

I hope things work out. I really do. All my life I've done nothing but try to be a good person. Tried to always respect everyone and protect those that mean a lot to me. I've always lead a life of love, honesty, loyalty and trust. It's gotta count for something, right? That kharma thing... I could use some of it back now. I need all the luck I can get.

Sorry for a depressing blog. Just had a tough day. I was excited thinking I'd found a great lead, only to be tremendously disappointed. Really left me in a depressive mood after. :(