As I type I'm sitting on the floor of my apt. I guess technically it is still my apartment. It's empty and nobody has slept here for four nights now, but I still hold the keys. This is probably my last time here...ever. Thought I'd say goodbye the best way I know how, by writing.
I'm sitting on the exact spot Juan and I sat on this carpet just over a year ago, in October of 2009, as we waited for some furniture to be delivered. It's was only over a year ago but feels like a lifetime's worth of happy memories. I look around at these bare walls and floors and I still see and almost hear all those memories they'll forever hold, no matter who may come and go. We may not have owned this place, but our love, friendship and moments together here made it a home.
When I got here today and walked inside, I immediately felt a sense of joy. That same feeling I'd ALWAYS get when I arived home. Why? Because I always knew someone I loved so much was waiting for me. Usually I'd find him down our little hallway, sleeping or watching tv in our bedroom. Other times he'd have a surprise dinner waiting for us, or had started doing laundry. Then there were times he wasn't here yet and I'd just wait patiently for him. So when I came in today my heart suddenly jumped. It was reminded of that beautiful feeling of coming home to the one you love. But of course, there was nobody here today. Just me and the memories. :(
I saw a couple of my neighbors as I took out the trash for the last time. One of them, a French-African-American looking guy, probably in his thirties, lives in one of the units below us. He held the garage gate door open for me as I walked out. His wife, during the holidays last year, left us each a little tin bucket with holiday treats in it. I thought it was sweet. I still have that bucket to this day. Our neighbors were always such nice people. I kinda regret never really taking some initiative to get to know them more personally. But I do know they were always nice. I'm going to miss them. Linda and her two pugs always going out for walks. The smell of the rocker-looking guy's cigars that would sometimes linger in the air outside. The kids from a couple of the apartments playing together down in the garage. I'm gonna miss every one of them. Whether we truly knew each other or not, we were still neighbors.
As I sit here, it's a bit eerie. The only sound I hear is the clicking of the fake keyboard keys on my cell, as they echo in my now empty living room. I almost felt like letting myself cry here. I felt like crying this morning for some reason. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I haven't had anywhere I could be alone lately. Nowhere I could lay down and have a good cry. Sitting on this carpet, in this now cold and quiet apt, is my first time I get to be alone. But of course, now I can't cry! Maybe it's because this place still feels like my true home to some extent. A place of safety and love. My sanctuary. But sad reality is that this is my last time here. I'm taking my keys off my keyring and leaving them locked inside.
This is my goodbye. To probably the most beautiful year of my life thus far. A year I got to share with someone I love. I will look back at this apt with so much happiness in my heart. My memories of it will never fade.
Goodbye, home, sweet home. I'm going to miss you so damn much.
No comments:
Post a Comment