It's all become way to real now. It all hit me and left me feeling sad, vulnerable, confused, lost and not knowing where I truly belong. Last night I spent my first night, of what will probably be many for a while, sleeping on the couch in my family's living room. Today we picked up the last few bits of my stuff from the apartment. Most of it is now tucked away in their garage in several boxes. My "room" is now a corner of the living room. The few things I need access to often are in a couple small boxes in that corner. The clothes I wear most are in a little spare hallway closet. Anything else I need, I'll have to go dig through the boxes, hoping I'll remember where I've placed it.
I love my family. I've been so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving, caring and good-hearted family. My parents are two of the most strongest, motivated, loving and unselfish people I know! They raised me and my sisters to be good people. To simply say I love them is an understatement. I owe so much of who I am to them! So why do I feel strange being here? I guess it's because I'd finally learned what it meant to be my own person. Independent. Yes, I was living with someone I loved, but I was also pretty much running my own life. I had my bills, work, chores, errands, more bills, etc...all those "fun" grown-up things. It got tough at times, financially, but it taught me so much about being a responsible adult. I also took so much pride in taking care of our apt. Sure, it may have been 'leased' and never truly belonged to us, but as long as we lived there, it was home. Our home. So I can't help but miss it so much.
It was a home with many nice memories. Funny thing is, when I think of my favorite ones I don't think of the times we had parties or anything like that. I think back to the simpler moments....
...laying down in our bedroom, reading a magazine, while he played music at the computer and browsed the net.
...cooking a chicken dinner, our favorites.
...playing Wii Sports Resort on the Wii until we got tired.
...watching episodes of our favorite shows together and sharing a good laugh.
...starting our work day together with our morning cereal.
...putting away the groceries from the market.
...these and many more moments like them are the ones I find myself thinking back to now. I don't have any regrets, because I don't feel "I wish I had appreciated them more and not taken them for granted". Truth is, I ALWAYS appreciated them. They always meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why when he was home I never really felt like leaving. I never took those moments for granted.
So it's no wonder I find myself now missing them so much. I think I miss his laughter the most right now. The way he would always manage to make me smile or even laugh a bit during some tough or sad times. He'd always know what to do or say. Sometimes just his laughter alone was enough to make me smile. I'd always tell him he had bad bedside manners, because he'd always crack jokes during moments they didn't seem appropriate. Yet I always knew why he did it. I knew that was his way of trying to help me feel better. So now that things are really tough, it's even tougher not being able to hear that laughter from this person that means so much to me. And he still does mean a lot to me.
I miss a lot of things, but in the end I think I miss my best friend the most. The one person who I could talk to about the most mundane details of my life, work, feelings, family, etc...and he'd always know exactly what I was talking about. Often, he'd even remember things I forgot even telling him. We did almost everything together, even things like car washes, markets, mall-walking, fast food runs and eye doctor appointments. Random moments of life made more fun and memorable by having someone to share them with.
I'd be lying if I said that I got over him completely. Even though I've had more time already to process that and have found some level of peace with it, it's a part of me that'll always be within. After loving someone for almost nine years, I can't just throw it out and pretend it meant nothing to me. But I also know I can't dwell on that. I can't let it make me sad, or else I'll never recover. If it was meant to be, and I truly love him, I had to let him go. If he ever comes back, then it proves we were truly meant to be. If not, then I know we'll still be friends. That friendship is something I still cherish. Without it, I'd truly feel like I lost almost everything.
I miss our friendship so much right now. I wish I could call him up now and we could just chat the night away, like we always used to before we lived together. I keep expecting him to call me up and ask if I wanna hang out. Go to a movie, the market, the mall or even just watch some DVDs at either of our houses. I keep wanting to call him and wish him a good night. Ugh it's so hard. I thought that because I had time to cope with the loss of the relationship, I'd be a lot stronger and able to deal with our just being best friends when we moved out. But it's way harder than I imagined.
I know we are still friends. Best friends. But I miss him at this moment. I just want to hear his laughter that always makes me feel better. Is that too much to ask? :-/
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