I'm Back

I haven't written on here in more than two years apparently. A lot has changed. Everything worked out for the best with my ex. "My ex"...ugh...I hate using that term. He's my best friend in the whole world, my confidante, my family. I will always love and support him. We remain as close as ever and are now even roommates and I love it. He's met an amazing guy who he's been with more than a year now and I'm so genuinely happy for him. I love them both. Me, on the other hand, still single. I was ok with that for a while. I didn't wanna let anyone else into my heart. Became more cynical and cautious. I was ok just making new friends and friends only!

But then HE came along. Someone I met on a social app of all places. Started chatting randomly early 2012. Didn't think much of it at first. Then in August/September of the same year we finally connected more through texts and Facebook and started chatting every day. Finally this year we started actually hanging out and I guess that's when it really started happening... I started to like this awesome guy. I mentioned it briefly a while back, but he just wanted to be friends. Still, the more I knew him the more I saw so much amazingness in him. I liked him a whole lot more. Not "in love" because I know the difference now. But I felt if given that chance I could probably get there. I longed to much to be able to hold him at night. I dreamt once that we kissed, only to wake up sad to realize it was only a dream. I wished for a chance at a date. To see if it could lead anywhere.

So this past week I finally spoke up. I poured my heart and soul out to him for real. Through a text message... yeah I know, kinda lame. But I express myself best in writing. Anyhow, as I kinda expected, he just wanted to be friends. :( Can't lie...it kinda broke my heart. I was crushed. I cried. I was sad. Just felt like that lonely confused kid I once was again. No matter how much I kinda already expected that answer it still hurt. Nothing against him though, he's an awesome guy and I know he still loves me a ton just as I do. He was only being honest which is all I ever asked for. Still, I couldn't help but still dream and hope, despite my sadness, that maybe some day down the road things will be different and we'll both be willing to try it out. I can't say what it would or wouldn't lead to, but I'm just so willing to try. He makes me feel so happy I just wanna see if there could be more. But if not, I'm still so happy to be his close friend. We're both these big silly dorks and have so much in common.

So we'll see what happens I guess. For now I had the whole weekend to go through my emotions. I cried what I needed to. I hope it's enough for now. I'm just blessed to have people in my life that mean the world to me. My family of course, but also my second family: my best friend, my 'lil bro' and now him, my dork close friend. I love them all so much. They are my strength and courage.