Empty

I'm beginning to wonder what feels worse... being in a state of absoulute sadness or feeling empty inside? Sadness brings with it lots of hurt, pain and endless tears. The empty feeling, on the other hand, doesn't bring much. You end up looking almost normal on the surface, but within you feel so empty. It's like you're just sleepwalking through life.

I'm still a mix of both. At times I still feel pretty down and sad, but other times I end up just feeling so empty. I don't like either. I wish I could get past all this and just be happy again. Even if I'm meant to be alone, unloved... I just wanna feel happy. :-/

Silence

I never really noticed how there are so many sounds all around here at home, even when I'm alone in complete silence. The electrical buzzing of the DVR turning on to record, the cars passing by in the nearby freeway, the fridge's random whirring sounds, footsteps from the neighbors, wind through the window swaying the vertical blinds... so many sounds that I never paid much attention to. But now, as I often find myself alone...those little sounds have become almost overwhelming. It's an eerie feeling that I just can't get used to. Years ago, I was always pretty much a loner. I'd go to school, do what I needed to do, get home and do my homework, chit chat with family and whatnot...then just spend time alone, watching TV, playing music, being on the computer, etc. I'd go out now and then with friends or family. But those moments when it was just me, alone, didn't bother me. So why's it so different now? :(

It's tough being able to go back to being alone some days/nights. I don't mean emotionally alone...I know I still have family and friends that care about me. I mean physically alone. For several years I found so much comfort, love and happiness in the company of someone. So now, when I'm by myself I feel so lost. Especially since these moments alone are usually when I start to think about so many things. Things I miss. Things that were. Things that could be. I hate this feeling. I don't like the silence. I don't enjoy being alone. But the sad truth is...I still can't get myself out there. It's a strange feeling knowing that the world moves on, people all around you keep on living their lives...even though I may feel that mine is at a standstill. I almost wish I could just pause the whole world, until I finally felt better, just so that I wouldn't miss a single moment of life.

I know I'll be OK. At some point, I have to be. I'm patient...but even my patience has it's limit.

Maybe I need a dog!? Then again, I can barely afford to feed myself lately. :(