Saying Goodbye to Home

As I type I'm sitting on the floor of my apt. I guess technically it is still my apartment. It's empty and nobody has slept here for four nights now, but I still hold the keys. This is probably my last time here...ever. Thought I'd say goodbye the best way I know how, by writing.

I'm sitting on the exact spot Juan and I sat on this carpet just over a year ago, in October of 2009, as we waited for some furniture to be delivered. It's was only over a year ago but feels like a lifetime's worth of happy memories. I look around at these bare walls and floors and I still see and almost hear all those memories they'll forever hold, no matter who may come and go. We may not have owned this place, but our love, friendship and moments together here made it a home.

When I got here today and walked inside, I immediately felt a sense of joy. That same feeling I'd ALWAYS get when I arived home. Why? Because I always knew someone I loved so much was waiting for me. Usually I'd find him down our little hallway, sleeping or watching tv in our bedroom. Other times he'd have a surprise dinner waiting for us, or had started doing laundry. Then there were times he wasn't here yet and I'd just wait patiently for him. So when I came in today my heart suddenly jumped. It was reminded of that beautiful feeling of coming home to the one you love. But of course, there was nobody here today. Just me and the memories. :(

I saw a couple of my neighbors as I took out the trash for the last time. One of them, a French-African-American looking guy, probably in his thirties, lives in one of the units below us. He held the garage gate door open for me as I walked out. His wife, during the holidays last year, left us each a little tin bucket with holiday treats in it. I thought it was sweet. I still have that bucket to this day. Our neighbors were always such nice people. I kinda regret never really taking some initiative to get to know them more personally. But I do know they were always nice. I'm going to miss them. Linda and her two pugs always going out for walks. The smell of the rocker-looking guy's cigars that would sometimes linger in the air outside. The kids from a couple of the apartments playing together down in the garage. I'm gonna miss every one of them. Whether we truly knew each other or not, we were still neighbors.

As I sit here, it's a bit eerie. The only sound I hear is the clicking of the fake keyboard keys on my cell, as they echo in my now empty living room. I almost felt like letting myself cry here. I felt like crying this morning for some reason. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I haven't had anywhere I could be alone lately. Nowhere I could lay down and have a good cry. Sitting on this carpet, in this now cold and quiet apt, is my first time I get to be alone. But of course, now I can't cry! Maybe it's because this place still feels like my true home to some extent. A place of safety and love. My sanctuary. But sad reality is that this is my last time here. I'm taking my keys off my keyring and leaving them locked inside.

This is my goodbye. To probably the most beautiful year of my life thus far. A year I got to share with someone I love. I will look back at this apt with so much happiness in my heart. My memories of it will never fade.

Goodbye, home, sweet home. I'm going to miss you so damn much.

Holding Back

The past few days have probably been the hardest and saddest days I've ever gone through this far in my 31 years of life. But still, I haven't shed a tear since leaving the apt. Not because I didn't feel it, but simply because I have nowhere to cry in peace. No room at home, not even privacy in my car since I give sister a ride now. So I've had to hold it in for days and it's tearing at me. The tears are swelling within me and I feel like they might burst at the worst time. I'm at work and my eyes are watery. I want to cry but I don't know where...how... :(

Sick :(

I've been trying my best to figure out how to keep busy so I won't have too much time to think and be sad. I think that's why the night hours are the toughest. That's when it all gets quiet and I have time to think. I think about him. And I miss him... a lot. But then today I wake up with a stomach ache and sore body (from the couch-sleeping). Been feeling it all day. Have only eaten a light sandwich and some gatorade. Now I kind feel warm/feverish. Doesn't make it better that it's freakin' cold tonight! So the only time I left the house today was for a brief Target run. Needed to get a few things for the week. But even then it felt weird. I missed him being there with me as we shopped. Even before we lived together we'd often meet up just to do our weekly shopping errands together. I was thinking of hitting the gym too, at least to distract myself, but my body was just so weak. :(



Tomorrow I return to work after being away for six days to deal with the move. I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect. Even the work day routine will be different now. I won't get to have my morning cereal with him as we go to work. I won't get to go to the apt and have dinner and talk about our days. And even just being at work is gonna be tough. Hopefully people just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with them too much. Makes me grumpy and bitter and not who I want to be when I'm in a down mood and want to be left alone.

I realize I sound like a broken record, but I miss my best friend. I really do, so much. :( Despite having lost a relationship I cherised, we still had a bond of best friends...of family. We've been through so much together. We grew from college students to mature adults. I need him in my life still. I know in my mind it's only temporary...this short time apart....but it's so tough. I think about him/us in almost anything I see/do! Today, as I drove to the Target, I noticed a Denny's across the street from it. It was where we had a late night bite to eat on the very first time we met. I could still remember it clearly. I find myself missing more and more the part of him that was...IS...my best friend. I haven't seen him since Friday morning. Haven't heard his voice. Haven't laughed in response to his own laughter. Just talked a bit via text but even that's not the same.

I love and appreciate all the love and support I've received from all my friends. It's meant a lot to me. But it's tough knowing that my best friend is the one I can't reach out to for now. :(

Harder Than Expected

It's all become way to real now. It all hit me and left me feeling sad, vulnerable, confused, lost and not knowing where I truly belong. Last night I spent my first night, of what will probably be many for a while, sleeping on the couch in my family's living room. Today we picked up the last few bits of my stuff from the apartment. Most of it is now tucked away in their garage in several boxes. My "room" is now a corner of the living room. The few things I need access to often are in a couple small boxes in that corner. The clothes I wear most are in a little spare hallway closet. Anything else I need, I'll have to go dig through the boxes, hoping I'll remember where I've placed it.

I love my family. I've been so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving, caring and good-hearted family. My parents are two of the most strongest, motivated, loving and unselfish people I know! They raised me and my sisters to be good people. To simply say I love them is an understatement. I owe so much of who I am to them! So why do I feel strange being here? I guess it's because I'd finally learned what it meant to be my own person. Independent. Yes, I was living with someone I loved, but I was also pretty much running my own life. I had my bills, work, chores, errands, more bills, etc...all those "fun" grown-up things. It got tough at times, financially, but it taught me so much about being a responsible adult. I also took so much pride in taking care of our apt. Sure, it may have been 'leased' and never truly belonged to us, but as long as we lived there, it was home. Our home. So I can't help but miss it so much.

It was a home with many nice memories. Funny thing is, when I think of my favorite ones I don't think of the times we had parties or anything like that. I think back to the simpler moments....

...laying down in our bedroom, reading a magazine, while he played music at the computer and browsed the net.
...cooking a chicken dinner, our favorites.
...playing Wii Sports Resort on the Wii until we got tired.
...watching episodes of our favorite shows together and sharing a good laugh.
...starting our work day together with our morning cereal.
...putting away the groceries from the market.

...these and many more moments like them are the ones I find myself thinking back to now. I don't have any regrets, because I don't feel "I wish I had appreciated them more and not taken them for granted". Truth is, I ALWAYS appreciated them. They always meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why when he was home I never really felt like leaving. I never took those moments for granted.

So it's no wonder I find myself now missing them so much. I think I miss his laughter the most right now. The way he would always manage to make me smile or even laugh a bit during some tough or sad times. He'd always know what to do or say. Sometimes just his laughter alone was enough to make me smile. I'd always tell him he had bad bedside manners, because he'd always crack jokes during moments they didn't seem appropriate. Yet I always knew why he did it. I knew that was his way of trying to help me feel better. So now that things are really tough, it's even tougher not being able to hear that laughter from this person that means so much to me. And he still does mean a lot to me.

I miss a lot of things, but in the end I think I miss my best friend the most. The one person who I could talk to about the most mundane details of my life, work, feelings, family, etc...and he'd always know exactly what I was talking about. Often, he'd even remember things I forgot even telling him. We did almost everything together, even things like car washes, markets, mall-walking, fast food runs and eye doctor appointments. Random moments of life made more fun and memorable by having someone to share them with.

I'd be lying if I said that I got over him completely. Even though I've had more time already to process that and have found some level of peace with it, it's a part of me that'll always be within. After loving someone for almost nine years, I can't just throw it out and pretend it meant nothing to me. But I also know I can't dwell on that. I can't let it make me sad, or else I'll never recover. If it was meant to be, and I truly love him, I had to let him go. If he ever comes back, then it proves we were truly meant to be. If not, then I know we'll still be friends. That friendship is something I still cherish. Without it, I'd truly feel like I lost almost everything.

I miss our friendship so much right now. I wish I could call him up now and we could just chat the night away, like we always used to before we lived together. I keep expecting him to call me up and ask if I wanna hang out. Go to a movie, the market, the mall or even just watch some DVDs at either of our houses. I keep wanting to call him and wish him a good night. Ugh it's so hard. I thought that because I had time to cope with the loss of the relationship, I'd be a lot stronger and able to deal with our just being best friends when we moved out. But it's way harder than I imagined.

I know we are still friends. Best friends. But I miss him at this moment. I just want to hear his laughter that always makes me feel better. Is that too much to ask? :-/

Final Days

The end is getting closer. Each day that passes now I get sad. This apt has been more than just walls and furniture...it's been a home. A place of so many happy memories over the past year. As the month goes by, our last month here, I get so caught up with many emotions.

I am absolutely scared, terrified, sad, nervous, worried, anxious and so much more on the inside. But on the surface I try to keep strong. I need to keep working. I need to keep making other random preparations (address change, packing, sell/keep stuff, etc). I can't fall apart. Not now. I have to keep going forward so I can find my next destination.

I need to know where I'm going! If only money weren't an option, I would stay just where I'm at. This is still a home to me, after all. Over the past couple months I've gone through so many emotions and feel I've come to a point where I've learned and mature enough to be strong. I let go of someone I love, not because I stopped loving, but because I knew it's what I had to do. Sometimes you just can't fight...you have to lay down your arms and hope that in the end, everything will work itself out just how it was meant to. The future is always unpredictable. You never know what'll happen. And so I let him go.

Things got a bit hectic a few moments along the way, but we worked through it and fortunately remain good friends. We still care about each other...best friends...family...bonds that go further beyond a relationship breakup.

I can't help but think about how we'd make good roommates. The past few weeks, after I got better emotionally, were actually nice again. Things were different of course, but having him as just the best friend was nice. I was ok with that. I didn't mind being home alone or not seeing him most of the weekends. I was finding myself again, but it was nice knowing my friend was still around. But unfortunately I know I have no choice. We can't continue as roommates. At least not in the present time. We'd both have to be on the same emotional level for it to work, but right now we're not. And it saddens me. I know we'd make great roommates, and perhaps in the future it can happen.

But soon everything will truly change. The memories will never fade, but our home we built together will be gone from our lives. I feel so scared, not knowing yet where I'm headed. I hate this feeling. I wish money wasn't an issue. I wish I could afford a nice beautiful apt on my own. I've been alone a lot lately and I know I can get used to being alone in an apt. Maybe get a cat or dog to keep me company. :) But for now, my budget is limited. And it frustrates me.

I saw a couple places this weekend, but they sucked. And I mean TRULY sucked. Looked so good on paper, but I should've known better. "Comfy", "Cozy", "Cute", "Charming"...all a bunch of "C" words used in ads to hide the truth. Cover ups! The places I saw were shit holes! Maybe I'm just not good at the apt hunt. He was always good at that. I was more the follow-through guy. He'd set things up, search and plan...and then I'd take over with the actions afterward. But now, going at this alone...it's tough.

I've felt like crying all afternoon. I haven't cried in a while now. But it's not over the breakup. As much as that still saddens me, I've had to learn to come to terms with that. But now, what makes me sad is that I'm just scared. I don't know if I'll find something I like in time. And what if I do find something, but I'm miserable there? I could always try going back home as a last resort, but there's hardly room for me there now. I don't feel ready to give up my privacy, independence and all that I've acquired and learned over the past year. I grew up, a lot! I became a true man. Independent, responsible...hell, I even cooked! Not a lot...but I still cooked! I want to keep all that.

All I want is my own nice, safe, warm place to call home for a while. Somewhere I can go to at the end of the day and feel safe, calm, relaxed and at peace. I want to find my OWN place, but it's hard with my current budget. I may have to share an apt. But then that brings up so many trust & comfort issues. I'm a very private person in my home life. Takes so much for me to feel comfortable around someone. It's not really even a shyness deal. I just rather be on my own that with strangers when it comes to where I live.

I hope things work out. I really do. All my life I've done nothing but try to be a good person. Tried to always respect everyone and protect those that mean a lot to me. I've always lead a life of love, honesty, loyalty and trust. It's gotta count for something, right? That kharma thing... I could use some of it back now. I need all the luck I can get.

Sorry for a depressing blog. Just had a tough day. I was excited thinking I'd found a great lead, only to be tremendously disappointed. Really left me in a depressive mood after. :(